Bits & Pieces from the past couple months of my life.
Lately, my feelings have been all over the place. My emotions are up and down, my mindset is a wreckage. A wind storm of becoming self and dealing with the pressure of the world.
A poem written by me back in October:
My mind tugs me from one side to the other Emptiness haunts me almost as cold as my mother
I’m the depths of the ocean and I scream with fright I’ll never be saved or found in the darkness of tonight
My voice is faint and my strength is weakening I focus on the bad maybe that’s just what I’m seeking.
There is a lyric in a song by The 1975, the song lyric reads “If I’m lost, then how can I find myself ?” I’ve never heard anything that resembles my feelings so accurately. Im lost, I’m not sure who I am so how in the world will I ever find myself? It’s a constant, daily battle I’ve yet to solve. Solving it is neatly an impossible task to set myself considering I change, the word changes., my environment will change. Everything will change, all the time.
It’s crazy the affect people can have on you, one thing I’ve observed about myself. I’m largely affected by most things, most feelings, most people, it all piles up and hits me at once. like a baseball flying at 40 mph and theres no room to jump out of the way. I either catch it or it hits me and it hits me hard. Not only do these things hit me they bruise, they leave scars and painful emotions. Everything has an attachment, nothing comes unattached. Everyone and everything expects something in return, it’s a constant cycle of sub-conscious manipulation to get what you want. Humans naturally become selfish when they’ve become vulnerable and challenged.
Over the past 2 months I spent bumming around Europe I met and got to know a lot of interesting and meaningful individuals. I didn’t realize how much it would impact me until I returned home. The stories I was told, and the advice I was given is all bubbling up into my head and coming together. I’ve never been good at small talk, I’ve always been uncomfortable when meeting new people. It wasn’t them I feared but more so myself. I was insecure and felt obligated to impress or act a certain way. I put so much pressure on myself and caused myself to become an overly anxious individual. This trip forced me to be myself and show that to new people.
Photos by Anna Robinson – Instagram
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