Current Thoughts

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My inability of letting fear get the best of me. Ive always been a fearful individual, of the future, the unknown, the stress that life presents. Everyones fears differ and what individual fears others don’t and vice versa. We all carry around a collection of fears. For me somedays the fear is hidden. I wear a smile on my face and a confident tone in my voice. I wear a mask to protect myself from showing my fear, but on the inside I’m desperate for relief from the exhausting feeling fear is. I walk through the day trying to interact and deflect from my internal feelings.

Everything I see and hear creates the fear to get louder and stronger. It can become deafening.

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Photo by Cozbi Jean

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Society, standards, assumptions, expectations, reality, and our own beliefs and feelings can all get tied up very easily. For me that’s the easiest way to describe being a woman, it feels like every part of life is telling me different thing and I don’t know wether to run away, listen to them, pick one over the other. It feels like I’m constantly left in a state of confusion, but I’m not going to play that game anymore, In fact none of us should. 

I remember being in 4th grade and a boy at school made fun of the fact that I had leg hair, he told me that it was gross that I had hair as a girl. I ran home that day devastated, I thought I did something wrong. I thought I was ugly, and I felt beyond humiliated. I went home and shaved like crazy that night. My arms, my legs. I thought hair equaled “ugly” and “gross”.

Who decided that if a woman has hair they are gross or unclean? Who decided that if we have short hair over long hair we are less feminine or less women like? Who decided that If we wear a suit over a dress we aren’t equal to the rest of the females out there. 

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These rules and standards are a complete joke and the amount of pressure and ridiculous shaming women go through based of their personal choices and appearance is repulsive.

Society and marketing have put the idea into the minds of everyone that women are mean’t to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way and if they don’t do those things and actions they’re weird, unladylike, unworthy, not good enough, and less of a woman. We need to stop teaching young men these standards and start showing them that every woman of every shape, size, color, are equally beautiful and all equally worthy of love, happiness, and respect.

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People have lost all respect for other individuals, thinking they are entitled to an opinion that nobody asked for. They think they are allowed to yell at us while we are walking down the street, which does the farthest thing from getting our positive attention, they think they can comment their rude opinions on our bodies. Im tired of being disrespected  for no reason by entitled strangers. Because it isn’t just disrespectful, it can cause fear, anxiety, self hate, and a long list of other hurtful feelings.

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I’ve created a space to speak, to create, and to be. I hope to shed some light on the internal battles I have and show how I use the negativity in a positive way. My art, my fashion it’s all a way to cope. I want to meet other creative individuals and learn new ways to grow and understand them and myself.

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